Sex and Parenthood
Parenthood is a journey - sorry really corny cliche I know, it is full of many different stages.
Referring to my usual saying - life is like a book. We are all writing our own story, filled with chapters, some good some bad, all filled with different characters, but with one continuing main character you. No matter what, the pages keep turning.
For parenthood these chapters start with:
Trying to Conceive (TTC)
Suddenly the reason for sex in your relationship has changed. Most people have sex for pleasure So this the role changes. We think we know how to make a baby - this was the sole purpose of sex in most of our school based sex ed. But for many its not as simple as this - biological reproduction referred to in a diagram and text books. TTC we find out, can take time, it can be a difficult experience, through miscarriages, baby loss, fertility treatment and more.
Our physical relationship becomes down to results. Is it making a baby or not? Am I ovulating? Is this right? Are we broken? Why do some find it so easy and when others do? In the films people fall in love, get married and BOOM babies….why is that not us?
We are hit slap bang in the face with the parenthood rollercoaster before a baby is even in our arms.
So say you do conceive…
Pregnancy
BOOM - another chapter. How do we navigate this?
Sex is safe in pregnancy unless you have been advised otherwise by your medical professional. If you are in pain or bleeding seek advice - this shouldn’t be expected.
Pregnancy can cause hormone chaos- one minute you could be horny as hell, then the next, you couldn’t think of anything worse. Our bodies change. You often don’t feel like yourself. Alongside stretch marks, hair, sickness. Its incredible and yet strange.
And then there’s positioning. How do you navigate the bump? Hello doggy and spooning!
Young Kids
You finally have a baby. The next chapter of in your romantic relationships also begins here. You learn more about each other in your role as parents. You meet in this vulnerable state. Sometime perhaps at the end of the day with the dregs of your energy left to offer each other. If single, you learn to find yourself dating in this new role.
Many of us are tired, touched out,. It’s common to lose your own identity. Often sex is right at the end of your list of priorities. So how do you connect?
Teenagers and beyond
Just when you think you have go the knack of things - your babies ae teenagers. They stay up as late as you. Ruling evening sex out for some. They know what sex is. They cringe at the thought of you ‘doing it’, you worry they’ll hear and know. What is the best way ? Do you wait for them to go to a friends house or do you have a signal. Honesty and communication is key. It may not be the norm for you. The mere mention of sex could have your cheeks redder than a London bus. In which case we need to work on normalising these conversation early doors. For you. More than for your kids. Following sex educators like me on social media, having books at home. Slowly breaking the shame that you have internalised like so many.
Empty Nest
You have reached the parenting end goal - you’ve produced and raised functional humans. They seem alright. They leave the nest,. and next thing you know you’re alone - with that person.
You kind of recognise them from the start of your journey but now you bear the war wounds of parenthood! Life. Work. Do you have any connection left?
Have you been able to maintain something despite the challenges. Many couples find themselves separating at this stage. Having given everything to their children and having lost their way from each other. How can we help this?
Do not fear. There are really some key themes here. So what our they and how do we help maintain and strengthen our sexual relationship throughout parenthood?
Housekeeping:
“Sex” - means all types of physical sexual touch and play. Not just a penis entering a vagina. This is not inclusive. 80% of women need some sort of clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm. So penetration is not everything. Great sex can be had without it. Explore and have fun.
Faking Orgasms - only worsens your sex life. Yes it gets it over uicker and helps prevent disappointment. But, you are responsibly for your own pleasure. if your faking bad sex will just be repeated. Nobody is a mind reader. Work our what you like. Share and guide. Everyone’s a winner.
Prioritise Time
Connection doesn’t happen without work. Often we say we don’t have time. Who has time for date night, or long sex sessions etc etc?! And I hear you. What we actually need to consider here is whether on our list of time whether we are actually prioritising this time for connection.
Try scheduling sexy time
Sounds very unsexy right? But actually making time whether its once a month, once a week whatever works is a great way to ensure connection. Book it into both your calendars to spend quality time together. Phones and TV off. Time for each other. And this does not have to be for sex. If you’re not in the mood when it get to that allotted time or date just say. Don’t cancel that time though. Sometimes the most romantic evenings are those spent laughing and talking together. Strengthening and rekindling the bond you have. Actually then the more connected we feel to that person the more likely we are to desire sex with them.
Communication
What is your love language?
Do you struggle with the mental load in your relationship?
What do you like?
Often we talk about sex with our friends but we don’t talk about sex with the actual person we are having sex with? This may be because we are worried about offending, or the conversation resulting in conflict. But people are not mind readers. We do don’t communicate we do not learn, or grow. And relationships have to evolve alongside parenthood.
Do you find talking hard? Perhaps make it more official. Have a check in session. Go through where you both feel you are doing well in your relationship and areas to improve. This can stretch from sex, to finances, home, parenting and more. Sex changes as we do. It is unlikely that you as an adult still like the same sex you did in your teens and perhaps that’s for good reason. Some may find it easier to start the conversation off via text and then speak in person once the ball is rolling.
For a more structured talk what not check out my sexercises. Download and work through one evening.
Gottomon Love Cards is also a great app to try.
Love Languages: Receiving gifts / Words of affirmation / Physical touch / Time spent together / Acts of Service
How would you rate these in order of priority that you need. Get you partner(s) to do the same. Is that what you expected for each other. How could you improve?
The Mental Load - is the often left unsaid life admin - stereotypically taken on by heterosexual women in relationships. Collecting prescriptions, remembering Grandma’s birthday card, RSVP’ing to invitations, ensuring that there’s clean school uniform for the next day. See recent post of my Instagram for more. Many don’t now that this unseen labour is there. But it has a massive toll on not just resentment building up in our relationship but enjoying sex. Many find the mental load doesn’t free up space for sex, and they can find themselves mid shag wondering whether they sent that email about the kids flu vaccinations”
When communicating it is difficult to know what to ask for if you don’t know yourself. Bringing us on to…
Pleasure and Desire
Masturbating - an act filled with shame for so many. But actually something to be celebrated.
There are great health benefits to a wank.
It increases your body and sexual confidence. It releases endorphins and feel good chemicals. It can relieve pain - great for menstrual cramps. Most importantly. Touching your body, finding what feels good to you, is so important in the pursuit of pleasure. Regularly finding what feels good for you is amazing, and in turn being able to show, guide and communicate that to your partner is going to enable you to have a fantastic sex life. All together increasing your desire.
Sexual Currency is another more subtle way to increase desire, sometimes many couples seeking therapy say they struggle with. Sexual currency is regular touch. A lingering kiss, a hug, a gentle passing touch. Regular contact like this fires something up in our brains that creates a subconscious desire. If you are not a touchy feely couple, going from 0-60 on this may fee odd. But, its all about building habits. Laugh about the awkwardness to start but aim for 10 touches, it will soon become normal. And to try shows that your making the effort to try to improve your connection. Remember sex is all about having fun. We so often take it too seriously. A performance. When actually is all a bit silly. The more fun we have the more we relax and the more we are likely to feel good.
Comedian Chris Rock says in one of his skits that working on relationship is a bit like moving a sofa! Hard if only one of you is trying but much easier when there’s 2 of you putting the work in. This is so true. If your reading this - why not send it to your partner. Say you’ve seen something on social media, heard it on the radio. Ask what they think. The work needs to come from all sides.